the new kid on the block

There is a new man working here.
He is so cute.
A little younger than me I think, but he sticks to me like glue...

He says he has "housemate" does that mean he is gay? That would explain his kind, funny and attentive behavior - along with his good looks.

For all the good things I ever did

I love my job.
My job loves me.

They want me to help open new offices.
The office in Kona will be first.
Who would say no?
they would pay my rent here, and since I just moved into an awesome new apartment I am stuck with the lease anyway.
They would pay my expenses over there.

Why does this feel weird?
Why wouldn't I go?

Why havn't I bought the plane ticket yet?
Hell Ya I am going!!!!

Oceanside CA is next, then Tampa...then who knows!!! the sky is the limit!!

Happy Birthday to Neil Young & Me!

We celebrated separately this year.

even my life looks slightly interesting viewed this way

attempt at pictures

attempt at pictures

Just take the compliment and shut up!

I love a great compliment!
Our warehouse manager just told me I look smashing, or was it sensational?? It was an "S" word and probably the nicest thing anyone has said to me, at least in a very long time. And today is casual Friday, too. But he is like SO married. He is always telling me that he is "available" like he is so horny. He looks freakin' hot, like a man that loves a woman's body, really, and not just for his own pleasure, like he could drive her insane for hours and totally get off on it...oh wait!! there I go again, I have work to do!!!

Did you make a wish?

Wow!!
I will be 29 for the 11th time tomorrow.
I really hate to admit that I am aging, but I gotta tell ya that staring down the coming years is not nearly as bad as I thought it would be!!
I feel better than I think I ever have in my whole life. I feel wise, and fairly healthy even given the fact that I have put on numerous amounts of fat!! I have had five children, including twins, and even when I was pregnant with the twins I still didn't weigh this much!! It is coming off slowly though. Walking helps a lot.
I finally have a good job that I like.
I think I just feel like I am finally in control of my life. Not such a victim to other peoples freaks of nature. I make my own decisions. I suffer those consequences still, as I am not perfect.
I have more patience than anyone I know. Not that I don't lose my temper and cry and scream and yell.
I guess I just like who I am and what I have accomplished and where I am going.
I am not so lost any more.
Mostly, I thank God for antidepressants and health of myself and those that I love.

Three is not a crowd!

A man that will do all the cooking, including the grocery shopping!
A man that will do all the cleaning, including all the laundry!
A man with an enormous...er, um, hands...and soft brown hair, eyes that I could drown in...oh!I do get carried away....he makes mad passionate love to me three times a day and fulfills all my fantasies.

I must make sure these three men never, ever meet...

"Do you know why I pulled you over, Ma'm?"

I hate being called "Ma'm". The handsome young officer with the gold wedding band wanted to know, "Do you know why I pulled you over, Ma'm?"

Let's go back 12-14 months...

My head lights are out on my car. My running lights work, and the brights work but only when I hold the switch on the turn signal pulled towards me, which makes it very hard to put on my make-up and talk on my cell phone, let alone drink my coffee on the way to work.

So I totally quite driving at night; for the most part. Especially after I got a ticket last sprint for not having my 11 year old in a seat belt and that ticket was for about $150. Now that ticket I did not pay. I tried twice to attend the seatbelt diversion class but got the wrong building on the wrong night both times. So my court date came and went and I still didn't have the money to actually pay the ticket so my license was suspended. Along the line some where my insurance also expired and who has the money for that when there are so many mouths to feed and you can barely pay the rent?!

Last year for Christmas my mother gave me a new switch to fix the headlights cuz some freakin' mechanic (me and mechanics are a whole different story and it makes me tear up at how much money they have stolen from me in the name of new brakes and various other repairs they insist I need and how can I say no when I drive with kids in the car??) so this mechanic said it was a switch, well it wasn't so almost a year later I have almost never driven at night. See without a license or insurance I dont want to get pulled over!! I drive to work and I drive home.

So this kid from work says he will fix my headlights for free for me. He's going to hard connect it or something and just put in a toggle switch to run the headlights. I am trhilled!! So, today, we trade cars. I am driving his sweet little Acura with the jammin' stereo and the skull head stick shift and a V-6 with 2400 valves or something. I am at the corner to my apt. The light is green. I turn on my turn signal, it is dark, but his car has headlights that work!! I see a young man crossing against the light so I safely wait till he is half way across the street and finish my turn.

RED AND BLUE FLASHING IN MY REAR VIEW MIRROR.

There is a new law I recently read about that drivers now are supposed to wait till the pedestrain is completely all the way across the street to finish their turn.

fuck.

one year that i have outrun the law. till tonight.

i dig and dig through this boys car and can't find the proof of insurance.

the officer is not impressed with the skull head stick shift.

the computers are jammed and he can't verify my license. So he asks me if it is current.
I burst into tears, cuz i know that it's not and that i can't tell a lie and the last 38 years of heart ache and fighting every single day to not just jump off a bridge wells to the surface.

he is so cute, too. i mean really hot, tall, brown hair, large hands...

So now on top of all my other bills that I can't pay, I get ticket for over $1600. But he says he really cut me break. Thanks baby.

Gotmilk?

anentirebowlofcerealmilk,spilledonmykeyboardmakesmyspacebarstick.

The best times ever

My son really loves me. He is six years old. I came home from work the other night and he runs up to me and says so sweetly, "come here my mama and give me a great big hug!"

Then Saturday we hit the Dollar Tree Store and for just $2 you can get 106 little plastic soldiers (2 bags, one just didn't seem like enough), cowboys and Indians. We built forts out of the hamster hut and tee-pees out of crinkled up paper bags (to look like leather ya know) and strategically placed our men around the kitchen. (the only place we really have to play). I was only slightly taken aback this morning when I went to pour my first cup of coffee and there was a red plastic Indian pointing his arrow straight at my face!

We also bought some scary masks and they never, ever seem to get tired of, or un-surprised, at scaring each other!! They can ring the doorbells and sneak around corners jumping out hollering at each other and jump in fear and then laugh till they pee their pants, for what seems like hours!

We bought some spider web stuff and a bag of bugs, snakes, spiders & skeletons and hung those all up by the front door. Ours looks better than anyone elses!

All in a days work I guess.

A few things I have figured out

If I scrub the tub, and put down my expensive, thick, white, chenille bath mat - the children will wash the black long-haired Australian Shepherd.

Men are so easy to get over

Dropped my barely running car off and the repair shop this morning then walked to the beauty parlor. There is nothing like a pedicure, manicure and a massage from Sven to make my world a great place to live in again!!

It was over a year ago. We only "dated" a week. Sex with an ex for 11 months. Can't beat it. No strings.

If I could just get Sven to leave his boyfriend and come away with me!!Hell, on second thought I will take them both! I have never been a one man woman anyway!

how can one person be so mean to another?

the guy i liked for so long finally had the guts to tell me i was a worthless piece of shit and he didn't give a damn about me.
i knew that.
I have never been rejected so many times, in so many ways...never. ever. it's weird.

I hate men. they blame women, but it is obviously their fault.

all the time. it is their fault.

the men at work are all married but they have no problem saying they would have an affair with me. really. they wanna fuck me. they say so. they say they are married. but it never stopped them before. Its not like i havn't had married men before.

i wonder how much money that is worth. I'd like a nice new apartment and a better car. it's not like i havn't had sex for money before either.
the boss does everything he can to get me alone. I would think he was too busy running the fucking company. he wants me in his office, he wants me in his car. (red corvette)

it would be nice, if just for once, i actually mattered to someone. It is obvious I never will matter to anyone.
not in this life time.
it's too fucking painful.

I think I am better than that, but nobody else seems to.

Positive attitude

My little six year old daughter has the most positive attitude of anyone I ever met. The little darling has a wart on the bottom of her foot. A plantar wart, right? She calls it her flower wart.

I think I would have rather been a horse or a hamster

I am a lamb, what are you?

Squirrels and Kitties and Sprinklers, Oh My!

I believe everyone in our life is a gift to teach us something.
Most of it I havn't figured out yet.
I do know now that chasing squirrels and kitties and running through sprinklers at 5:45 am everymorning really can be a lot of fun!!
Thanks Katie Dog.

School daze

Everyone is off to a great start at school!
Well, except for Brandon. He decided the first day that he was going to quite.
"It takes ALL day, Mommy!"
He is used to kindergarten and their half days and of course playing all day during the summer. Boys just have too many other important things to do like playing astronauts and building roads in the dirt for their trucks.
Then he said, "the teacher said it was a game, but I KNOW it was math!"
Too funny.
He will be fine, not to worry.
Brandy is just too cute with her one front tooth missing and her little blonde pigtails bouncing around. The first one up, she is anxious to visit with her new friends. I mean, anxious to learn!
Lindsey, very shy, is making new friends at her new middle school. There are a couple of girls from her last school so that helps. And thank God!! Boys are still gross.
Haley is signing up for all the sports she can!! She is a real go getter and I know her grades will be good again this year.

We love you all!
Laura and kids

PS I have been offered a permanent position at the job I am currently temping at. It is a great company and I can go into a lot of different areas. I really just want to stay somewhere and retire! retiring is 30 years away, but looking for work sucks!
here is the website:
www.aluminumrailing.com

Click here to donate to the Hurricane Katrina relief effort.

Back to school!

My six year old son decided after his first day that he wants to quit.
He says to me, "It takes all day, mom!"

Take the quiz: "Which'>http://www.zenhex.com/quiz.php?id=2963">"Which Zodiac Sign Would You Be Most Compatible With?"

Libra
You may be able to have a good relationship with a Libra!

Three things kids always say

"Watch this"
"Can I have it?"
"Who farted?"

Who am I kidding?

I have learned as I have grown older that there are very few people I truly enjoy spending time with.
I don't want to take time away from my kids or family except for one very special person. And a few of my best close girl friends, which number totals about 3.
It's nice to know myself this way. Dating around? What's the point? Waste of time.

Our new dog!

I'm not saying a word

I am not going to jinx myself this time and say that I love my job.
Or that I love the building.
Or that the people are really nice.

Or that there is fresh flowers every Monday at my desk.
That architecture can be fun and interesting and that I can learn anything.
I have mostly worked for CPA's, escrow offices and mortgage companies. I never would have applied at an architectural firm. I dont know anything about that kind of thing. But I am an excellent support staff person.
Working for temp agencies has given me the opportunity to build my self confidence in my skills, and meet a lot of really neat people.
But I am not going to say anything because I don't want to jinx it...

He really does hate me

good thing I work in an architectural firm with lots of really good smelling rich men!
good thing I always have lots of invitations for dates.
good thing I know when it is time to start saying yes again...

good thing I did not cry this time...

He really does hate me.

I am such an idiot. No I am not. He has always been giving me the "Come here, go away" routine...I never know which dance we are doing. If I don't write, he says I am giving HIM the could shoulder...

I take pictures with this

It is really old, but it was cheap on Ebay and I am all about saving money!! It makes me feel good. I don't care if all the other mommies and daddies have their shiny fancy new digital cameras. We both get pictures.

Our house is a very, very fine house...

or at least it used to be.We ended up in the neighborhood on our way somewhere else and wanted to see it.
This is one of the places I used to live. It had a great laundry room with lots of shelves, a fountain and pond with fish, a real wood play house with glass windows, four bedrooms, two master baths plus two full baths, a formal living room with a huge fire place and bay window, a family room, cobalt blue tile kitchen counters, a pantry, a small office space in the kitchen, a full office with lots of shelves and glass doors, decking on two sides of the house, six foot wood privacy fence, underground sprinklers with a timer...what else? Two car garage with lots of storage, I had my weights and room to dance...I took tap, jazz and ballet lessons from 1st grade to my first year in college, I miss it.

I was buying it from my dad (he bought it so to "help me out") then he started abusing my kids...it wasn't worth the price of his freakin' behavior problems. He did the same to me and my brother and has over the years still to my kids. He has a furious temper and some sexual problems...Some things never change...

The Engagement Party

Today we were supposed to go to an engagement party for a friend of mine. BBq in a local park - bring the kids- my perfect scene!The older two girls got sick and couldn't go. So just the twins and I went. We left late, then got lost. I always take the scenic route everywhere I go!! We never did find the right party. It was a huge park and there were lots of birthdays, reunions, and even a wedding but we never found our friends.We did however have a really nice time anyway. Surprisingly. I am not one to stop and smell the flowers, but check these pictures out.

dancing in the park

We walked around this park for nearly an hour looking for our friends. It had a paved path that made a large loop around the outside and a few trails through the middle. They found this big "thing" and of course it had to be climbed on. Anyone can tell me what it is?? The best guess gets a prize!! There was also live music so they danced a little, too. On top of this statue thing of course!!

wibble wobble, wibble wobble to and fro

We found some ducks and another person there gave the kids some bread. I love the pictures of my twins together and it was a rare treat to be and see just the two of them. We usually travel in a group and they rarely interact with just each other or just them and me.
I think this was supposed to be the "wading pond" and we had brought our swim gear just in case but it was green and thick and smelled bad. My son points way out in the middle and says, "mom, there is a fish!" I did not blurt out what I was thinking, which was, "Is it floating?"

THE BIG RACE!!

I have not had so much fun in I don't know how long! It was so exciting. I think instead of deby race it should be called demolition derby. The cars never flipped over, but the boys flew out of them, faces slid across pavement, cars crashed, they flipped off the starting ramp...the fun went on and on!! And this was 6-10 yr old boys. Some of them quit and didn't even want to race any more, but my son never gave up. His first time up he flipped off the ramp!!! There is a picture of him running into the side and what it dosnt show is him and his car hanging off the edge. I was terrified. Of what? broken bones and blood, my mom is the nurse and I am the accountant - there is a reason for that I CAN'T STAND THE SIGHT OF BLOOD OR ANYONE IN PAIN. Especially my children. But I held my breath and didn't move (I cant treat him like a baby in front of the guys ) and the other dads were there to pull him down and tighten his bolts and nobody freaked out (they're guys - the more ferocious the race the better, right?!) And it truly was no big deal. I had asked him in the car on the drive there, "Son, are you afraid?" He responded, "Of what Mommy?" "Nothing" I lied. So after the failed first attempt he sat down by me for a minute, had a drink of water and caught his breath. I asked if he was going back in and he said YES! ok, not quite that boldy but by the time the 7 races were over and he watched boys drop out like flys and he won 3 of seven races and ate two big plates of food he said it was a good time all in all!!

the race is on and here comes pride in the back stretch...

The groupies

sister
sister
friend

Brandy Elizabeth could only watch the races...

Pre-funcion on the monkey bars

"Of course I won't stick out my tongue, Mommy"

Teamwork

Power tools!!

This week we paint, next weekend is the BBQ and the BIG RACE

We all worked real hard

My son was totally into this!

We had so much fun!

And people in hell want ice water

All I really wanted was a peaceful life.

Tonight we ended up with a dog at our house. My daughter comes back from the park saying the owner of this dog said it would be euphanized and they did not want it. This child is a dog magnet. Ever since she was about 8 we have had a nearly constant stream of "stray" dogs show up. I overheard her say once to a friend, "I had to chase this dog two blocks!"

She carries this dog home to show me and since the kids have been working and saved $158 of the $200 to pay for the pet deposit, I thought we might be able to keep it. It was such a cute little girl about six months old, black with some white spots. The big brown eyes. It had flea bites all over it and the gums were bad. It was head shy and obviously neglected and abused. We went to talk to the landlord and they said it was a pitbull and we could not keep it. So I called the police and they did not want to come get it tonight but I told them the kids babysit themselves and I did not want the dog here when I left for work in the morning.

In the couple of hours that passed that we had the dog it already started growling and acting weird. I did not trust it. My daughter cried and cried and I told her she was doing the right thing and was saving it's life by having the police take it. That she can use the money to pick a dog she can feel safe with and pick out herself.

Well after all the tears and one pee-pee on the floor and the trip and fall of two skined knees and a possible sprained ankle from walking the dog in the dark and tripping over little sister who would not get out of the way, I think I am finally off to bed...morning comes way to early at my house...

Thank God for antidepressants

Those of you that know me, know that I have already had one child that was murdered.
Today I nearly thought I was going to lose another.
I got a call at work that my 14 yr old teenage daughter
let me start again
I call home and my 11 yr old daughter told me that the manager of our apt complex, who is also the father of the boy my daughter has been forbidden to see because they have been sneaking in the middle of the night to meet, well the manager told my 11 year old to lock the doors and not let anyone in because said boy has just left the house with a loaded rifle. So my 11 yr old and the six year old twins are home alone since said teenage daughter upon hearing this, runs out of the house to help find the boy...
The father had already called the police who found them at the park. The boy was taken into custody and taken somewhere...? I called the police and they said he is somewhere he can get help. I said I don't freakin' care about him , it is my teenage daughter I am worried about!!! Tell me what happened!!!!
I had already shipped her out of town last week to grandma's but she called crying she wanted to come home, but that she would stay at a friends so she was not around said boy, but instead she continued to sneak out at night and was caught by boys father (my apt manager) and boy got in trouble with dad. I found this out today.
Daughter is at friends house till I can figure out where to send her next. She is putting too many people in danger...Herself first. I am afraid he will come looking for her again. I want to leave.
There is nothing so scarry as a man with nothing to lose.

Where am I from?

I have printed this out in order to work on it. It has been weeks and I really can't bring much to my mind from back then. I think it is beautiful when finished. I just can't seem to get started!

For the WHERE I'M FROM Format: Click the READ MORE link below:
I am from _______ (specific ordinary item), from _______ (product name) and _______.
I am from the _______ (home description... adjective, adjective, sensory detail).
I am from the _______ (plant, flower, natural item), the _______ (plant, flower, natural detail)
I am from _______ (family tradition) and _______ (family trait), from _______ (name of family member) and _______ (another family name) and _______ (family name).
I am from the _______ (description of family tendency) and _______ (another one).
From _______ (something you were told as a child) and _______ (another).
I am from (representation of religion, or lack of it). Further description.
I'm from _______ (place of birth and family ancestry), _______ (two food items representing your family).
From the _______ (specific family story about a specific person and detail), the _______ (another detail, and the _______ (another detail about another family member).
I am from _______ (location of family pictures, mementos, archives and several more lines indicating their worth).

Mamma's got a brand new gig...Yes again

Started another "new job" today. Temping has its pluses but I am sure looking forward to just staying at one job for a while. Like the next 30 years. But I am learning so much going from job to job. Mostly about people. Some seem nice, but are not. Some are not nice and arn't afraid to show it. That I can deal with. The building is gorgeous, it was built in Nov and they have state of the art up to the minute everything!! I even have my own bathroom!!! That for me, is the most exciting thing right now!!! I hate public bathrooms!!!! I don't like sharing a bathroom with my kids! Actually I think the kids' bathroom is worse than public. No, that's not true but it sounded funny!! so keep your fingers crossed, say your prayers, pray to Alah or anyone you can think of that this mama gets a permanent full time gig!

I wonder

I wonder if I could have a really nice boyfriend that would call me and ask me out on dates if I could afford the monthly fee for online dating...?

I could kiss him forever

Just for fun Kissing by the Signs Wondering how to satisfy your lover's ardent feelings? Keep reading for insight into the passionate nature of the Signs.
Aries Your kisses are quick and passionate fits of lustful pleasure that are there and then gone. Taurus Your kisses linger; they are deliberate, heartfelt and they can go on and on and on… Gemini Your kisses are interrupted by spasms of giggles, smiles and funny observations.
Cancer Your kisses are warm and tender, and you never want to let them go.
Leo Your kisses are wild and uninhibited, biting and clawing; you expect applause for your performance.
Virgo Your kisses are so subtle and tidy, your lover only notices them once you've finished.
Libra You're too busy worrying about your breath to really get into your kisses.
Scorpio You skip the kiss and get to straight to … whatever comes next for you.
Sagittarius Your kisses are surprising, spontaneous affairs that leave the kissed wanting more. Capricorn Your kisses are intense - by: clementine_yyz

I am a Scorpio

You are most compatible with:
Pisces - absolutely superb,
Taurus - a rewarding relationship
Aries - long lasting,
Cancer - paradise,
Libra - heady stuff,
Leo - a powerful attraction.

Absolutely no chance:
Scorpio - nuclear explosion,
Gemini - volatile,
Sagittarius - can be strained,
Aquarius - up and then down.

Boy do I love RED! Who knew?!

I was sitting at the table at home on my lunch hour. In front of me was the coat closet with the door missing as the landlord is fixing it. I did not know it was broken. I find out really interesting things when I get home from work and the kids have been home all day! :) Anyway, it was full of red colored clothes! My red colored clothes. My bedroom closet is so full of clothes that I now also use our coat closet for over flow. I did not know how much red I have. There are numerous red blazers of various fabrics, a red wool winter coat, a red leather coat, a faux fur red (marroon) coat, and many red blouses, skirts and dresses. Of course I also have a lot of red purses and shoes to match. And the red bikini! it is to die for!! Sort of a James Bond 1970's string bikini with gold clasp at the bosom and hips! lol!! There are so many shades of red you know. Like these red velvet pumps I am wearing today. Aboslutley GORGEOUS!! Something like Grace Kelly or Judy Garland might have worn. But oh!! The blisters, it may be a month or so before I can wear these ones again!

Just waiting for lunch hour

Everybody at work has told me how nice I look today. I don't think I look any different than yesterday, other than I over slept and did not shower (gross!) and my black eye is healing...
I am wearing red and I think that is a good color for me and I did put on earrings after a week of naked ear lobes now that my ear infection is nearly gone...

I can't even pay attention

I am looking into low income housing again. There is a lot of places out there! I thought there was just the one that I waited two years to become available, but there is more like 150!!!! I hate it when I am the last one to know these things...
Anyway, I can earn $1,100 more every month and still be considered really poor...I wonder how I make it? Really wonder..it seems impossible but I still have a roof over our heads and food in our bellys. There are shoes on the children's feet - thank God it is summer and all I have had to buy are $1.99 flip flops!! But school starts soon and my son's toes had literally poked through the end of his tennis shoes...

We belong

Is it true we all just want to fit in, to belong, somewhere? It's not just me?
I had the best time visiting with my extended family this weeked. We had a reunion at my mom and step-dad's home on the coast to meet new babies and new spouses from across the nation.
I had a terrible emotional crying stress fit before we left because I just lost another job (temp position but it's still feels like failure) and they all have beautiful homes and seemingly happy marriages (I feel like a failure there, too) since I have no marriage and no home. Just me and the four kids in a tiny dingy 2 bdrm apt.
After the big cry on my mom's shoulder, I felt so much better!! I am not usually able to get any stress or worries or anything out at all and just carry the weight of my little world around all the time till I want to explode!
When I was with my family, I felt like I did belong, maybe for the first time ever.
There was a cousin I had fought with over money 15 yrs ago and half of those years since, we did not even speak-the anger was so deep. We have began healing the last 6 years-very slowly-and this weekend we walked and played on the beach together and watched our children walk and play on the beach, just as we had done together growing up as children. I have never felt such perfect peace.

Money isn't everything Part II

I called my temp agency and told them that I did not think I could come back and work for the boss of this job I thought I loved so much. He talks to me like I am stupid and makes me cry. I will stand up for myself to a point, but I am such a tender hearted and sensitive soul that I just crumble sometimes.

There was a message on my answering machine when I got home from work that my boss called my temp agency and told them it wasn't working out.

I am glad I had packed up my stuff when I left tonight.

The stress of not having a job makes me vomit and have diarhea.

I feel like crap

I have the ear infection from hell. I have not had hardly any sleep since last week sometime. I did go to the ER in the middle of the night yesterday or the day before and got an antibiotic and pain killers. I took so many pain killers (they weren't working) that I threw up all over, then I remembered that I think I am allergic to Vicoden. Who can remember these things when your exhausted and in extreme pain?? I missed one day of work and was an hour late this morning because I did finally fall asleep around 6 am. I'm just in a bad mood and really wanted someone to know...

Carefully. Chris.

Chris

Carefully
he
reaches
into my
soul ,

with one touch, he puts out time.

We had such a perfect night, as always. Dinner was superb!! he is an amazing cook and host. We have so much fun together... We are perfect together. I think so anyway. I love being with him.
Then he said he was sending my on my way.
Was he asking me to leave? Did I do/say something wrong?
I think I usually manage to do the wrong thing almost always...somehow. I am not sure.

A while back, he whispers something in my ear. It sounded like, "I don't want to meet your kids".
Ok, we have not met each others anything yet. Everything is just real slow for us.
A couple months has passed and now I am wondering if he whispered in my ear, "I do want to meet your kids".
I think he and I communicate more with thoughts, feelings, glances more than words...I don't think either of us are good at saying what we think or feel. But I can feel what he thinks or feels sometimes and I am nearly certain he can feel what I think or feel. Communicating on a different level of some kind.
I can be away from him for weeks or months at a time and I get these feelings of what he is thinking or feeling. It's like through the airwaves or something. It effects my thoughts and feelings. Pictures will come into my head. But of course, since we never talk about these I don't have any certainy of their existence, but I only know what I feel.
(A lot of the time I feel like he hates me, not from the airwave feelings but from how he acts.)
Sometimes I wonder if people really hate me or if they hate themselves and take it out on me...?
I definately don't want to read the book titled, "He's just not that into you".

Round and round we go, where we stop, nobody knows...

I love having an office chair that spins!! Whee!

Or maybe my tummy is dizzy and my head is reeling because I get to see the most wonderful man in the world tomorrow night...

Are you listening?

Dear God
(and Dear Aiming4nirvana)
Thank you for my health and the health of my family. Thank you for all the trials and errors that are making me stronger than steel. Thank you for a roof over our heads and food to eat and the ability to laugh and play and not take ourselves too seriously. Thank you for keeping my children alive in spite of my lousy ability to be a parent sometimes. Thanks for listening and keep up the good work!

Letters to God

I talk to God a lot, and also write him a lot of letters. I have so much in my mind that the only way I can keep from obsessing is to write about it somewhere...Then whatever it is, I can just forget about. I wish I had someone to talk more (like my friend Darice aka geeekgirl) because her and I can spend many enjoyable hours together talking about everything in great detail as we both love to do!!!!
I wish I knew how to set aside a little link on my weblog just for this purpose...

Dear God,
Thank you for giving me a boss that can talk to me without looking at my chest. He is also better than any man I ever met at controlling his urge to stare, it is nearly imperceptable. Most men it is so obvious they are trying hard not to look...it's so much easier being a woman than a man and I know we (society, women, advertisers) make it very difficult for them. It's so much easier to be a non-visual homo sapien. Amen.
ps. It is just so nice to be able to discuss WORK!! And be respected and taken seriously, you have no idea. Amen.

50% of my children

My twins are on each side, the blondes pretty easy to figure out. That is their cousin in the middle.

Flippin' Sweet!

The kids and I, and some neighbor kids, too as we never travel alone, are going to the mall today and they are going to show me the store where I can buy a t-shirt that says, "Vote for Pedro" and a button that says, "Flippin' Sweet!" I am so excited! I love that movie "Napolean Dynamite".

Money isn't everything. Who says?!!

I am loving my job.
Or more exact, I am loving having a job.
The stress of little or no income is way worse than the stress of just working full time and raising four kids alone. I think we go through the bad times to appreciate the good times. Or at least, the times that are less bad.
I love working in a beautiful building.
I love working with professionals.
I have a great oldies station to listen to again.
I love knowing there is a lot of upward growth potential.
I love it that they like me.
I love that it is challenging.
I love that I learn fast!!
I love that it is close to home. I go home every day and have lunch with the kids.
I love that I am not paying $1200 month in daycare. They should be in daycare and have been for the last three years up until this summer. They are taking care of themselves and it seems to be ok. Not perfect, but ok. For now anyway.

The assistant manager came up to me at the pool yesterday, "hey, I saw your ad on yahoo. " Gross. I better take them all off! I am not sure I can remember every site...then today they are having a potluck and telling me what good potato salad he makes...I hope they are not all thinking anything weird...I have someone I like.

Pictures!!!

This is myself and a girlfriend (who is now a GRANDMA!) and our children.
I always seem to have friends with lots of kids! I am in the grey sweatshirt at the end of the couch and she is in the black and white outfit sitting on the floor.
These are our children.
Yeah I know, it's a lot...")
I have more pics like these and as soon as I can figure out how to work my scanner I'll get them on, too! They are some of my favorite pictures in the whole world!! I know you can't wait to see them!

The Second Last Supper

So sad

Luther Vandross is dead.
If anything happens to Anita Baker...

Here is one picture of us.

I just did a yahoo web page real quick to get some kind of picture here.

Like a Kid in a Candy Store!

Have you googled your blog? Do it! Do it! (if you havn't already and I am like the last person on earth to figure this out!) It is so cool! I was first on the list of sites containing the name "mawgawrita"! And that is pronounced with the Spanish influence/accent that is why I spell it that way. Then it listed my name in some of your blogs!! Digitalfishwrap was there, blu was there, Josh was there. It was so cool!!! It was like that scene in the Steve Martin movie (now I can't think of the name of the movie??) when he is living at the gas station and the new phone books arrive and his name is in it! Don't tell me you haven't seen it?? It is one of the funniest - in the genre of stupid comedy- movies of all time! The other that is my current favorite funny - in the genre of stupid comedy- is Napoleon Dynamite. I have rented that three times and probably watched it twenty!! I laugh my ass off every time!! The kids and I have it memorized.

Also I am still enjoying being alone. Ahh...The sound of silence. I even decided to pass on a trip to the coast this weekend because I just want to take advantage of my time alone. I decided the folks at work are nice enough, but I just want the quiet. And there is this guy that I just really like. It's his birthday this weekend. I wanted to do something nice for him but he is busy, then I got my feelings hurt and was a rude to him. It was presumptuous of me not to think his kids or his family might have something planned. I don't know how he tolerates me sometimes... The last two years on his bday and we weren't "dating" I gave him something, this year we are "dating" and I can't do anything for him.

With the kids gone it's not lonely either. Not yet. I miss their little smiles and hugs of course. I think the only time I have been truly lonely is when I was married. A bit ironic, I agree. I have never missed being married after getting divorced. I certainly have been single many more years than married. I am not very good at it. Marriage that is. I don't like it. I am really not sure why people do it. bleck! enough of that talk!! I just keep thinking of Goldy Hawn and what is that guys name??? Curt Russell? Not married, still together...

Somebody pour me another drink! Damn I have to get up and do that myself.

The Jerk. No baby, not you. The name of that Steve Martin movie was The Jerk.

UNO!!

One is not the lonliest number.
It is so nice to just be alone and do what ever I feel like!
Last night for dinner all I had was nachos and gin & tonic.
It was awesome!! I did not have to fix dinner for kids. I ate and drank sitting at the COMPUTER! tee-hee-hee. And left my dishes in the sink. As a matter of fact they are still there. I may never do them! lol. It feels good to be such a rebel. It gets tiring always being a good girl and doing the right thing and so fucking responsible all the time.
The nachos are gone but that is cool because tonight for dinner I think I'll just have gin & tonic!! Wheee!! I can just pour the gin into the tonic water bottle and take it to the pool!! lol. It will just look like water and we can have water bottles at the pool.
Gin and tonic is so cool.
It was the first drink I started with when I went to University of Oregon. Well that and beer. We were also the ones that invented wine coolers! We would add Quench soda, and it had to be Quench brand and from the can-nothing else tasted right-we'd mix it with the wine. It was so delicious. Then the next thing ya know some kids in another dorm named Bartles & James started bottling the stuff!

Let Freedom Ring!

Kids will be gone all week and next weekend!
I am ready for a freakin' break.
I love kids, I love my kids' friends.
Today we had my 4
teenagers friends 3
middle schoolers friend 1
sons friends 2

total 10

some were playing x box
some were playing music in the bedroom
some were on the back porch reading
one of the little ones was playing with the leap pad game
and some were on the computer playing games

pretty quiet day all in all.
i can remember times when we lived in Bend Oregon and I had this huge van and I'd take that many kids plus our two black labs to the river! Those are some of my best memories actually.

But I need a freakin' break. The stress of supporting these little eating machines tears me up inside. Starting a new job is pretty stressful but this is one I am very happy to have. I enjoy the home mortgage, escrow, real estate industry and see that there is no limit on the amount of money a person is capable of earning. You work hard and put in a lot of hours and it shows up on your paycheck. That may be at least a few years away for now but I am glad to be in the running. Not that the almightly dollar is everything and I don't have to drive a BMW (as long as my boyfriend keeps his; and the boat and the plane) but to support five people and have enough to just get by on is kind of a lot!!!



I tell myself that while the kids are gone this week I will just drink (heavily), relax and hang out with friends, but I will probably be in bed dead asleep by 8:00 every night!

Arthur Fonzarelli he is not

Then there are the new neighbors. They freak me out! They are from another country and maybe just do things differently. This is more funny (sort of) than a confession of sorts. Well these three guys move in next door recently.The first time I saw them in passing I smile and say hello. No big deal right? Well I think that anything we say to men dosn't matter cuz all they hear is, "I want to have sex with you". So we go to swim and this one especially hangs outside the gate of the pool and stands there and stares. They don't speak english. Or I look up from reading-I usually lay in a lounge chair and read while the kids swim- and he is sitting right there on the chair and I had no idea he was even there!! He never SAYS anything. Then he came up to the pool like 3-4 times the other day, walking around, staring, smoking. And the next thing I know this motorcycle pulls up right to the fence! he drove it down through the path to the pool! I am thinking "what a freak!" And it's not even a nice bike. I did talk to the manager about this.

Manna from Heaven

I received this email from daughter #2 yesterday:

dearmom i am sorry money does not grow on trees i knowyou are having trouble so thats why i am sending youthis message.i hope you a fun at work but you dontrealy have to have fun but do oyur best every day ilove you and i want you to make the best out ofanything and everything.i know brandy and brandon area pain in the butt and head and they are anoyingfreako's but there are times where i can and can notlove them.well ilove you so much love you only 11 yearold daughter lindsey.

Mama's got a brand new gig

Back to work tomorrow!
I was just getting used to laying around the pool all day working on my tan!
It's close and the pay is ok.

I like to be ignored, rejected. It's a step up from being beaten.

Ok, so I am on my pity pot. It has been a long, long time since I was beaten. The last time I told him I was not afraid of him any more. I was nearly killed, as was the unborn child inside me. He had already killed my 15 month old son. Thank God the police was just a turn away as the shots were being fired...

I googled the word "ignore" since that is how I feel so often...
In the time honored tradition of email, just ignore the question. John Dobbin

We must not, in trying to think about how we can make a big difference, ignore the small daily differences we can make which, over time, add up to big differences that we often cannot foresee. Marian Wright Edelman

We really have to understand the person we want to love. If our love is only a will to possess, it is not love. If we only think of ourselves, if we know only our own needs and ignore the needs of the other person, we cannot love. Thich Nhat Hanh

Flatter me, and I may not believe you. Criticize me, and I may not like you. Ignore me, and I may not forgive you. Encourage me, and I will not forget you. Love me and I may be forced to love you. William A. Ward

We want the facts to fit the preconceptions. When they don't it is easier to ignore the facts than to change the preconceptions. Jessamyn West

The only gracious way to accept an insult is to ignore it; if you can't ignore it, top it; if you can't top it, laugh at it; if you can't laugh at it, it's probably deserved. Russell Lynes

All living souls welcome whatever they are ready to cope with; all else they ignore, or pronounce to be monstrous and wrong, or deny to be possible. George Santayana

The very essence of literature is the war between emotion and intellect, between life and death. When literature becomes too intellectual - when it begins to ignore the passions, the emotions - it becomes sterile, silly, and actually without substance. Isaac Bashevis Singer

Poetry Schmoetry

I don't think this is the right place for my peotry and thoughts, (???) but it's better than the little pieces of paper I keep doodling on and that are piling up!

Once You Plucked Me Like an Apple

It is always the same:
changed.
You have come in from the long day's work
and now, as the darkness settles around you
You remember a grove of apple trees
shining
in the moonlight,
how you shinnied up the trunk
and slid out
slowly
along the limb until you came
to the leaves, how the limb bent
just a little
as you inched your way along,
and how you filled your shirt with apples
and swung down,
dropping onto the moonlit ground
quiet as a squirrel
so the gruff farmer wouldn't wake,
and how, walking home along the road,
it all seemed like a dream
until
you polished one (me) on your sleeve
and bit in
and savored it,
your tongue startled:
so bitter,
so sweet,
so alive!

Portrait of Laura (The Broken Ground)

The opening out and out,
body yielding body:
the breaking through which the new comes,
perching above its shadow
on the piling up darkened broken old husks of itself:
bud opening to flower
opening to fruit opening
to the sweet marrow
of the seed -
taken
from what was, from
what could have been.
What is left
is what is.

Sometimes Late at Night

Sometimes late at night
I think of the color of your eyes
when you laugh

And the tilt of your head
when you listen
And I remember the warmth
of your touch
when we are close

In the darkness
I see you in my mind
and I can feel what we share
even now

I know we are special
and that we will endure.

Love Music II - Laura's song (woman to man)

Someday, somewhere, someone will appreciate my little notes I am always putting on scrap pieces of paper, right?

Love Music II - Laura's song (woman to man)

Come, freightened heart, within this port,
Bring all your bee-collected sweet,
the savor of a liberal night,
the crown of columbine, still wet,
the muse of days. Bring your delight
to fill the palate and the plate,
to rinse the lips. Unburden, set
your lilies on my chair of state.

Come, laden love, to this, my cave.
For here we soon may hide and move,
in havens play the courting dove,
and pace the newly-altered nave:
This vested place, this heart alive.
with fruit and wine and coupled play,
each self will give itself away.

Come candidly, consort with me,
and spill our pleasure for a day.
Let love delay, unhurriedly,
this passing taste - I prophesy:
Remembered cinnamon and lime
will fructify a bleaker time.

I will fight poverty with my bloody hands!! After all, tomorrow is another day!

After weeks of agonizing on whether I should move to low income housing or struggle on as I have been: We are not moving.
I will not let the stystem keep me poor, uneducated and un-challenged. I have never been one to just settle for anything. Ever. Who needs stability?!
I cannotlet myself limit my income in order to be eligable for low income housing after fighting and working so hard to break through these, and other, limits as a woman! My fucking ex-husband had all the years to improve his income because all he had to do was work. I did everything else, and worked. He could improve his skills and add to his experience, thereby increasing his income. I have not had that luxury. I have slowly worked in that general direction all the while with the extra expense and stress of four children. He has been able to pay for a sleezy rich lawyer to keep him out of court, tie up paperwork and various other evil tactics in order to not pay child support!! He has spent over $50,000 to his lawyer. Not to his children. Fucker. But we are better off without him I say!!
So to summarize, the five of us are staying in this crummy two bedroom apartment, I am still looking for work, school is almost out and the kids will take care of themselves this summer so I do not have to pay daycare. Actually I lost my daycare last week. I am $800 behind and they said I can't bring the kids back until it is paid in full. Ok. Whatever. I have been through all this before. This is the easy part. Wed June 8, day after tomorrow, is my son's birthday. Had he have lived, he would turn 17 years old...
Everything else really is easy.

Which Classic Pin-Up Poster Girl Are You?

http://quizilla.com/users/Medox/quizzes/What%20Classic%20Pin-Up%20Are%20You?/]

http://quizilla.com/cgi-bin/result/result.pl

I was Betty Page. Never heard of her...I may go back and change my answers...

The downward spiral of poverty

I recently found out that I had made it to the top of a waiting list, over 2 years, for low income housing. I have to move across town though, and that would be sad. Although I have no friends to speak of at my apartment complex as they are all drug addicts, it would mean the kids would have to change schools again and I know that is hard for them. It does have more bedrooms, a washer and dryer and the rent would be less. Hauling and paying for laundry for five people sucks! We drove over to look at it, but the landlady was called away to a meeting so we only saw the outside. We were able to peek in the windows and it is very, very small!! The neighborhood did not look much safer than this one, especially since the police were casing the joint when we arrived. I asked them what they were doing and they said, "Looking for someone." Great! !The five of us are already constantly tripping over each other with two bedrooms and one bathroom. I have always hated it here. After my divorce 3 1/2 years ago, (still not getting child support) this two bedroom apartment was the only one that would allow five people in a two bedroom, most places would only allow four people. And as the rent was low, it was all I could "afford" anyway. So during the process of lots of paperwork to get into the new place, they do an income verification check. I am "over income" to be eligible. I was raised never to discuss income with strangers, but let me tell you I don't make a whole lot!! So I tell her that I have been working temp jobs and get unemployment in between. She tells me, "If you are working, you make too much money. If you are getting unemployment or making only $9-$10.00 per hour, then you are eligible." I haven't fucking busted my hump working & getting a better education to fall further behind financially. This next school year is the year I have been waiting for: My twins will be in daycare!!! My daycare has gone from $1600 month for four kids; to $1200 month for three kids; and if I can just get through this summer I will have only two kids in daycare after school!!! It might be under $500 a month. Don't think I always pay this bill either, I am always way behind and just give them enough till my tax return comes in every year.
Also, I would have to buy out of my lease here which would cost me a bunch of money and effect my credit and since someday, someway I want to buy a home again that would not be a nice thing on my already shaky credit history. So do I stay poor? Working a job that I am way overqualified for for the finanical security of paying less rent every month and knowing we will always have clean clothes?? I would really like some security somewhere in my life! It's like having the weight of the world on my shoulders being the sole support of 5 people. Do I go out on this limb of always reaching for better jobs and more education (which is what I have been doing and don't want to throw that all away) and risk not getting that job soon enough and having to keep borrowing money from my mom to pay the rent everyb month??? There is so much to consider and I am very mad! And if I move over there, work a dumb low paying job, and start to get child support then I have to move again cuz I will be OVER INCOME!! How much do they think is too much to support five people??? I have to make less than $22,000 a year.

Get your own! They're free!!

Nothing gets me excited more (okay, maybe one thing) than having fun for free! Especially if it's something I can take my kids to. My right rear tire that has been leaking air slowly. It is now going flat every 24 hrs so I decide I better take the kids with me after I pick them up from school, to Les Schwab and get it checked. I do not normally take my kids ANYWHERE. It's just too much work. But this tire is getting worse and I am tired of digging for quarters to put in the air machines. So even though I thought it was going to be a real drag to take them I knew I had to get this tire fixed. Well, I had forgotten that they have free popcorn!! The have added free hot chocolate!! And when the little beggars tried to buffalo me into giving them change for the pop and candy machines, I reminded them that Les Schwabb always has a free waterfountain!! And my six year old son, who has more energy than the rest of us put together, is so happy and totally goes crazy looking at all the tires and wheels! I even got watch most of Oprah! The tire had a nail in it and they fixed it from the inside, "Guaranteed to last, and on us!" FREE!!! When I went to get in my car there was even a copy of the daily newspaper on the seat. FREE!!!
It was a really great day. Oh wait, except for the part when I ran out of gas leaving to go pick up the kids from school. Lyukcily I was in my driveway so I grabbed my gas can and asked the landlord to take me to the gas station, but instead they filled the gas can with some gas they keep in the shop for the mower. FREE!!!

In your lifetime have you...

The following all begin with 'In your lifetime, have you....'
1. ...ridden on a rollercoaster? Yes at county fairs, I dare myself to go on the scariest ones, and make my kids hold my hand!
2. ...performed (in any area of the arts) onstage? Yes, from the age of 5 till 18 I was in dance and local theatre.
3. ...planted a garden? I Love gardening!!! Flowers, vegetables, & herbs.
4. ...ever had to reformat your hard drive due to a virus/spyware? Yes, a few times!
5. ...written a book? A poem? A song? I have written lots of poems, some songs about/for my kids, and I have started the book and definately will finish it someday!
6. ...sang karaoke?Once. Never, ever again.
7. ...been interviewed by a local tv station/newspaper?Yes, from crime victim to pageant contestant.
8. ...witnessed a tornado/earthquake/hurricane first-hand?No, thank God.
9. ...participated in a photo scavenger hunt?Can't say that I have.
10. ...traveled to another country? Never, not yet anyway!

One Word Meme

What is the one word you would use to describe your appearance? frazzled
Favorite body part? breasts
Least favorite body part? stomache
Most often complimented on? smile
Most often criticized for? nothing - I only hang around nice people
Your romantic relationship? hot
Your relationship to your parents? mom-perfect. dad-nonexistent
Your feelings about parenting? I do more before 5 am than most people do all day
Your hobbies? walking, reading, trying to learn to play the guitar, spending time with people I like/love
Your favorite personality type for a friend? make me laugh
Favorite personality type for a spouse or lover? passionate
Favorite type of movie? a good "who dunit? "
Favorite cuisine? mexican
Favorite treat? big cold bottle of water
favorite gift? Brunn coffee maker
Most sensitive “unusual” erogenous zone? back of knees or toes
Favorite pet? black lab
Subject of blogging post that got the most hits?
Feelings about memes? quick and dirty

My Mazaratti does 185

The took my license so now I can't drive.
They say I'm crazy, but I have a good time
Life's been good to me so far...

How does the rest go?

What happened on your birthday?

What happened on your birthday??
Borrowed from Blu

http://www.paulsadowski.com/birthday.asp

The last supper

Last night was one of the best nights of my life. I know the most wonderful man in the world. He feeds me. And he's a hottie, too! There is no one nicer. I am moving and part of me was wondering, no, deeply sad that if we cannot get together very often when I just live down the street, how will I ever see him if I move across town?? How can I be so happy to see someone and so very sad at the same time. I was afraid it would be the last supper, but this morning I am a little more hopeful. Let me tell you about his awesome dinner:
He sautee'd mushrooms and onions in half and half. Now that is oral gratification. I am not sure I ever tasted anything so delicious. These were poured on perfectly bbq'ed T-bone steaks. There is only one way to eat a steak and that is cooked six minutes on each side. Slightly pink in the middle. I think I have only had two perfect steaks in my life and this was one and I dont remember where the last one was so it doesn't count. There was also corn on the cob cooked on the bbq, garlic bread, salad, I brought a vegie tray, we had gin and tonics and margarita's with very good tequila!! I get to watch him cook and try to stay out of the way and that is really the best part of the show. Watching someone make you perfect meal is nearly spititual for me. It is partof the meal and wouldnt taste quite as good without all the goings on to prepare. Tasting this, running around checking the temp on the bbq, stirring, mixing drinks in between, getting everything just perfect and beautifully set on the table. Of course there were candles and I also got a beautiful red rose and sweet mothers day card. It seems like I am forgtting something but there was so much!! When trying to decide what to have for dinner he said "rain or shine, we will bbq!:" Which is like saying we dont care what othe sucky things might be going on in ourlives or what the weather is doing we will have a good time, mostly just cuz we got to be together. I wish I had pictures!! he always takes pictures of everything and I guess it slipped our minds. OH!! and he made bread for me to take home. He has done this in the past and it is so good and my kids love it. (they also love the wings he has sent home, too) So I was thinking that I wanted to ask him to make some bread for me this time, too, but felt that was just too much - he's working like two jobs and all this other stuff. I was so happy to have this home made bread - what on earth is better than that??

moving.

Hi sweetie!!
Missed having drinks and talking to you in person last night, but the kids show really was great!! They only had the 5th graders performing. Lindsey is in 5th grade. And there was not a lot of people there like I thought there would be and parking was a breeze. I did not lose it till the very end when I had to find the kids and round them all up for the ride home. Usually those performances are a nightmare cuz it’s all the grades, you have to sit through this long show, the parking and traffic suck. For me it is nightmarish and my heart wants to explode. I seriously considered asking Lindsey to skip it, totally for my own selfish reasons, but am glad I did not, these things are really important to the kids.

What are you guys doing this weekend? Lindsey’s dad is coming to visit. He has been coming to see her more and more, and I am glad. He actually signed away his rights to her so my last husband could adopt her in 1996. He has this huge catholic family, 9 siblings (he is also a twin), and she has a million cousins and they all love her so it is a good thing. Of course I am still seeing Chris sat night. Other than that it’s laundry and grocery shopping and oh my god!!! It looks like I am moving!!!! It is a good and a bad thing. We can talk about it more when I see you which I hope will be soon!!

Xoxo
Laura

Condoms

I found two condoms in an inner zip pocket of my purse today!! That is so hot. I felt really sexy. I have no idea how long they have been there.

sidebar:
I also found one condom in my 14 yr old daughters purse this weekend.

That is like that joke:
what is worse than bitting into an apple with a worm in it?
Bitting into an apple with half of a worm in it.

I want patience and I want it right now!

stress.
check your level here:
http://www.markhenri.com/health/stress.html

my favorite part of the test: where it states that divorce can LOWER a person's stress level. it's an old test i'll probably delete it later anyway.

let's stir things up

Maybe I will switch to a blog that is politically scathing. I am tired of a boring blog. I want to stir up some discussion. I like to hear what other people think and where in the hell did they get an idea like that!!

Let's put Clinton back in Whitehouse? No-too broad of a topic.

Broad? It dosn't matter if the president cheats on his wife, his values do not effect his ablility to run the country.

Kennedy cheated on Jackie.
My thought on that: he did not have enough time in office to really fuck up, everyone liked him cuz he was "cute", somebody shot him.

Old news!! I need to search for something new and fresh!!!

I am really glad nobody reads my blog....

ahh...the joys of depression

I have no words for this one...

As quoted in Time magazine

Britiney Spears, complaining in Allure magazine about the responsibilities of family and step-children:

"I have to tell the maid to buy diapers and get the pool boy to walk the dog? Can't I just make out with Kevin all the time? Being married sucks."

I feel pretty!

Actually, I feel very very sick. But I look good! I am going through withdrawls from my anti-depressant. Out of money, no insurance. I weaned myself, but still having withdrawls.

So now Barbie can go jump in the lake! I am letting my hair down and lose today, I have a new little yellow skirt and white sleeveless blouse, no nylons, and my very high very sexy (in a professional kind of way) pumps. My daughter says I have legs like a model so fuck being comforatble. (how do I spell that anyway?) I have already had one proposition today: I think part of going throught these withdrawls is a tightning and tickling in my throat. I had a client in my reception area waiting and broke out in uncontrollable coughing. I had the water, cough drop, everything and nothing was helping. I excuse myself to go to the breakroom and get control. I come back and he offers me the heimlich maneuver. Unfortunately he looks more like Mr. Magoo than Brad Pitt, and I would not let him touch me with a ten foot pole, but it is an honor just to be nominated.

103 things about me!

1. I took dance lessons (tap, ballet & jazz) for 14 years
2. I went to University of Oregon for two ½ terms
3. I was in community theater and was in the play “Guys and Dolls”
4. I lived in Seattle for one year and worked in a bank downtown
5. I have one younger brother
6. I went to school K-12 with the same 45 kids
7. I really miss Dave Bannon, my first true love, and still look for him
8. I have four children
9. I gave birth to five
10. If I could be anything I wanted I would be a dancer
11. I was a battered woman
12. Every crime imaginable has been committed against me
13. My son was murdered when he was 15 months old
14. Six months later, I gave birth to the murderers child
15. I have been burned with cigarettes
16. I love the color blue
17. I love coats, purses and shoes
18. I prefer being a single parent to being a married parent
19. I prefer being poor than paying the price (my mind, body and soul) of financial security
20. I am left handed
21. I am teaching myself to play the guitar right handed
22. I am not artistic and really really admire people that are!
23. I took a calligraphy class
24. I would live on a farm in the middle of nowhere if I could
25. I love to grow my own vegetables, herbs and flowers
26. I lived in Central Oregon for two years
27. I would like to move back, or anywhere the sun shone year round
28. I lived 33 years in Warrenton and Astoria, (OR)
29. I owned ran a log truck company
30. I write a lot – journalizing, poetry
31. I do not know how to relax or play very well
32. I hate wearing clothes
33. I love thigh high stockings
34. I swore I would never live in Portland
35. Did I mention I have twins?
36. I do not speak to my father, he is the meanest person I ever met
37. My mom is the most wonderful person I know
38. I have been married and divorced twice
39. I do not read the paper or watch the news
40. I love reading books, especially true crime stories or history
41. I worry that people wont like me
42. I find comfort in hiding from the world; staying inside, reading.
43. My biggest pet peeve is hair in the bathtub drain
44. I think I have blocked out a lot of my childhood
45. I don’t think my dad talked much but he glared a lot
46. While they were alive, all my grandparents were alcoholics
47. I worry my kids lives will be as bad as mine
48. I sucked my thumb till I was 13
49. In order to avoid pain, I rarely connect with anyone on much more than a superficial level
50. I spent most of my life waiting for my mom to show up
51. I expect too much from myself and other people
52. There are only two good kinds of candy: chocolate and caramel
53. I worked in Costco bakery for 4 years
54. I still own the first 45 record I bought and have all my albums and have a record player to listen to them
55. I had an abortion after a date rape in college; he was on the wrestling team
56. I love going to live music concerts
57. I go to church (most) every Sunday
58. I always wanted to be a prom/homecoming princess
59. I was a cheerleader
60. I love all kinds of music from jazz and country to big band and rock n’ roll
61. I believe in reincarnation – in my last life I was a man, in this life I am paying for it as a woman!
62. I love being a mom, I look forward to them growing up and moving out, I am afraid I will be very lonely…
63. The rest of my life scares me
64. I lost my virginity in the nicest Z28 in Clatsop County (OR)
65. I love to cook
66. I dated a professional Elvis look-a-like!
67. I have had a miscarriage, two possibly. I think I was pregnant with twins twice.
68. Every time I hear music I am choreographing a dance to it in my mind
69. I am way under paid
70. I love history and would love to travel in this country and others
71. I hope I am a musician in my next life
72. I am a recycling fanatic, it is a family event at our house
73. I totally hate sensationalism and consumerism
74. I try to teach my children the difference between need and want
75. I try natural medicine first and believe doctors do not really know anything about healing
76. I have a zebra finch named Uncle Kracker
77. I like it that my children think I am the best mom in the world!
78. I take antidepressants
79. I have not tried many drugs, only pot about 6 times
80. I sing like a toad with a frog in its throat! But that doesn’t stop me. Much to my children’s dismay.
81. Crowds freak me out
82. I am sort of claustrophobic and always need a window open
83. My favorite band is Boston
84. My favorite song is Bridge Over Troubled Water
85. I miss my big house- I really miss my washer & dryer!
86. I miss my diamond jewelry
87. I have been robbed 4 times since I moved to Portland
88. I grew up in a town of 1100 people, in a house that was built by my grandma with scrap wood during WW II, that my dad lived in as a child, too; it was on 7 acres on lake, ½ mile from the beach and looked exactly like a barn.
89. We never locked our cars or doors
90. All my neighbors in this complex are drug addicts
91. I hate living here
92. I always wake up in the middle of the night and have not slept through for about 15 yrs
93. I enjoy the world when it is dark and everyone is asleep but I get really tired!
94. I had heart surgery two years ago
95. my heart is starting to give me trouble again
96. today is the happiest I have been in a long time, I feel like my prayers are being answered
97. I really have not enjoyed holidays since my son was killed, it is hard to find the true joy I once had even with my other children when one of them is missing
98. I miss the energy of youth, but that is about all! I would much rather be wiser and happier
99. I am a hopeless romantic!
100. today is the worst day of my life, three kids with the flu…and no washer & dryer
101. I always wanted to be short like girls in my class, but now I love being tall and love to wear high heels.
102. My medicine makes me gain weight, up till 2 yrs ago, I was really skinny…I do not mind too much expect that the weight makes me look older.

Barbie: A poem

My hair is frizzy
my face is fat
why does she
look like that?


This lady just walked in here and she is perfect. She obviously paid a lot for it. I am looking at her biceps - those take work- and she looks me in the eye and I smile and nod. WEll I know my fat face looks just awful, I have round cheeks anyway, so when I smile my eyes crinkle up nearly closed and my cheeks just get rounder. (I am totally comparing myself to her and losing big time). I try so hard to look professional! But I have this naturally curly hair and a "cute" style of face. Her hair is in a nice smooth ear length bob. I have a few suits but a lot of flowery skirts and pretty tops. My shoes are plain, I wanted to be comforatable. But I see these ladies with the new style of tiny narrow heel and very long pointed toes. They looked stupid in the store, but I see them at work and it kills me that mine are so dorky.

I am thinking she is just shallow, I am truly beautiful, in my own special way. Even my mom says I look pretty with make up on. She starts that sentence with the words, "Now I don't want you to get a big head, honey, but you look..." Thanks for the low self esteem mom.

I study this womans face some more. She is not a natural beauty, no more or less than me, but she has spent so much time and money on clothes, surgery, tanning, etc. that at first glance she does appear like a Barbie...

how to make me feel warm and fuzzy

have flowers sent to my office
bring me flowers
(any time - day or night)
send me a card with flowers
tell me I am pretty as a flower
pick me flowers
give me seeds to grow my own flowers

ps
herbs and vegetables can be substitued as I love to garden
but don't tell me I look like a vegetable...
you get the idea.

Hey! I am a girl, if it looks pretty or sparkles, it's mine!

I am an ISFJ, smile when you say that.

Life as an ISFJ (Introvert, Sensor, Feeler, Judger)
People of this type tend to be: cautious, gentle, and thoughtful; hesitant until they know people well then affectionate and caring; very literal and aware of the physical world; uncompromising about personal standards and easily offended; diligent and conscientious, organized and decisive.
The most important thing to ISFJs is living a stable, predictable life and helping people in real ways.

How to Love an ISFJ :
Appreciate the many things (large and small) that I do to make my home a warm and comfortable place to live.
Appreciate my common sense, practical and steady approach to life.
Listen attentively and respectfully. Give me time to think about things before expecting me to respond.
Respect my need to spend time by myself, or to just be with you.
Be sensitive to, and don't force me to defend, my feelings.
Above all - Notice and acknowledge my hard work and commitment to my family's needs.

How to Spot ISFJs:
quiet, private and modest
hard working, conscientious and serious
gentle, thoughtful and sensitive
careful dressers with an eye for color and comfort


Tips for Communicating with ISFJs:
Speak clearly and slowly; respect their privacy
Be explicit and map out the steps and details of your ideas
Honor your commitments and be prompt and thoughtful


take your own bloginality personality test http://www.personalitytype.com/quiz.asp
It's fun!

I am so shallow

7 deadly sins
ANGER
1. Who did you last get angry with? The two little boys that live upstairs and stay up late and run up and down the stairs and throw garbage off the balcony and yell real loud ALL THE TIME.
2. What is your weapon of choice? silence
3. Would you hit a member of the opposite sex? If I thought it would hurt them, which it wouldnt'.
4. How about of the same sex? no
5. Who was the last person who got really angry at you? My teenager
6. What is your pet peeve? Hair in the shower drain
7. Do you keep grudges, or can you let them go easily? I can hold a grudge for a long time

SLOTH
1. What is one thing you're supposed to do daily that you haven't done in a long time? relax
2. What is the latest you've ever woken up? 5 or 6 pm
3. Name a person you've been meaning to contact, but haven't: my cousin Rina
4. What is the last lame excuse you made? I’m too tired.
5. Have you ever watched an infomercial all the way through (one of the long ones...)? Yes. And it is amazing how you can go from laughing at it to almost getting your cash out before the show is through. So true.
6. When was the last time you got a good workout in? does sex count? Recently.Often.Ώ
7. How many times did you hit the snooze button on your alarm clock today?
45 minutes worth, so that must be 6 times. I do that every morning.

GLUTTONY
1. What is your overpriced yuppie beverage of choice? Bottled water.
2. White meat or dark meat? Both. White only!!
3. What is the greatest amount of alcohol you've had in one sitting/outing/event? ½ case of beer, 4 or 5 Long Island Ice Teas’s the other half case of beer.
4. Have you ever used a professional diet company? No.
5. Do you have an issue with your weight? Yes!! I cannot eat everything I want anymore and have gained weight!! I used to be a stick and I really liked that.
6. Do you prefer sweets, salty foods, or spicy foods? Sweet and salty.
7. Have you ever looked at a small house pet or child and thought, "LUNCH!"? No

LUST1. How many people have you seen naked (not counting movies/family)? More than I can count
2. How many people have seen YOU naked (not counting physicians/family)? More than I can count. Not the same group.
3. Have you ever caught yourself staring at the chest/crotch of a member of your gender of choice during a normal conversation? Yes
4. Do you have a crush? no
5. What is your favorite body part on a person of your gender of choice? Hands.
6. Have you ever been propositioned by a prostitute? No, but I’ve been asked to pose naked for a painting.
7. Have you ever had to get tested for an STD or pregnancy? Yes (I’ve had four kids!)

GREED
1. How many credit cards do you own? 0. I like the use of the word "own" you own nothing till you actually pay for it.
2. What's your guilty pleasure store? Victoria’s Secret, Bath & Body Works, Wal Mart, Meier and Frank, Dollar Tree, have I left any out?? Also any shoe, coat or purse sale
3. If you had $1 million, what would you do with it? In order:
1. house
2. car
3. repeat

4. Would you rather be rich, or famous? Rich
5. Would you accept a boring job if it meant you would make megabucks? Yes!.
6. Have you ever stolen anything? Yes
7. How many MP3s are on your hard drive? 0

PRIDE
1. What one thing have you done that you're most proud of? Not much, thinking… I can hold a grudge for a long time!
2. What one thing have you done that your parents are most proud of? Every day that the grandchildren are still alive.
3. What thing would you like to accomplish in your life? Travel historial places, sunny warm places, deserted islands, or anywhere quiet!
4. Do you get annoyed by coming in second place? yes
5. Have you ever entered a contest of skill, knowing you were of much higher skill than all the other competitors? No, I have no skills.
6. Have you ever cheated on something to get a higher score? More than likely.
7. What did you do today that you're proud of? I pretend to be nice when I want to kill someone.

ENVY
1. What item (or person) of your friends would you most want to have for your own? Anyone with a home and a well endowed fix-it husband, no, boyfriend!
2. Who would you want to go on "Trading Spaces" with? My mom. She has a nice house and her husband is retired and does all the cooking and cleaning and she just works.
3. If you could be anyone else in the world, who would you be? I can’t think of anyone else I would rather be. Unless they were skinny and rich.
4. Have you ever been cheated on? Yes.
5. Have you ever wished you had a physical feature different from your own? Yes, small nose, flat stomach, round butt instead of a flat one
6. What inborn trait do you see in others that you wish you had for yourself? I wish I were more artistic, musical, anything! But boring accountant type.
7. Do you wish you'd come up with this survey? No
8. Finally, what is your favorite deadly sin? Gluttony. What is sloth?? And Greed.

Girl and Father in Ohio need our support!

I am so freakin' angry about this, I can hardly contain it.
I have two aunts that are mentally handicapped and that only makes them more precious to our family. Our job has been to take care of them. I think I will go puke, this makes me so sick...
New York Times report:
http://www.nytimes.com/2005/04/13/national/13ohio.html?ex=1271044800&en=2d5912496ee93b58&ei=5090&partner=rssuserland

Other blog discussions:
http://www.amptoons.com/blog/archives/2005/04/15/ohio-principal-tries-to-cover-up-gang-rape-in-school-auditorium/


http://www.blogger.com/publish-comment.do?blogID=8451517&postID=111335979102040031&r=ok

I am trying to find follow up information. I am not seeing much. Appreciate any links.

Confidence is Everything!

My little six year old daughter, Brandy, was cursed with her mothers slightly large and protruding ears. My head, thank God, finallly grew into them. Brandy and I have discussed how awesome and special her ears are. I think her teacher in kindergarten has also had this discussion with her. She truly believes God made her special. This is how I know:
The other night we were snuggling at bedtime and talking. Brandy says, "Mom, people have been saying really nice things about my ears." I reply, "Really? Like who? What did they say?" At this point I was worried, because they are big and they do stick out and people especially kids can be cruel. Brandy says, "Travis (he is the teenage boy that lives next door) said to me that I could fly anywhere with ears like that!" And my daughter was truly happy!! She took it as a compliment from a teenager that was actually picking on her. She giggled and grinned from ear to ear (no pun intended). I think this is one of the most awesome stories I ever heard! Maybe I am doing something right as a mother.

The Company Watercooler: A New Take

The company water cooler is known for it's reputation as a place to flirt with members of the opposite sex that you work with.
Get this:
I just started a new job in a newly renovated building. There is a water fountain in a corner between the mens and and womens restrooms. I bend over to take a sip, and right behind me ~ and I mean less than an inch of my butt ~ is the door to the mens bathroom. When they open the door to walk out, there is nothing they can do to stop from butt humping you.
I love my job!
I do not see a lot of men using this particular water fountain come to think of it...
Next week I am bringing my tape measure. I want the know the exact distance from the door way of the mens room to the edge of that water fountain.

Help Feed the Hungry

On Easter Sunday, I took my children to an Episcopal Church downtown for a nice Easter lunch. I have an aunt that lives across the street from this church in a low income housing high-rise apartment. She is mentally handicapped and although she works, she will never be able to totally support herself financially. Her and I and the kids always spend holidays together. This year, I did not have the time, energy or money to cook. I skipped the whole egg/basket scene because each of the kids had an opportunity to do those activities while on spring break at grandma's. They were disappointed, but did not complain much.

On a normal Sunday morning, I try to drag my kids to church with me, because I really like going. My 6 yr old son used to go, but now he, too, has refused. So, this particular Easter Sunday morning, I tell them I do not care what you wear!!!!!!! We are going!!!!!!! Cuz I am the mom!!!!! Cuz I said so!!!!!!!!!!!!! etc., etc...

We pick up my aunt and begin walking towards the church. It is raining, none of us brought coats. The girls are in short skirts and flip-flops, my son jeans and myself in a skirt and jacket, although the pink of the shirt and the pink of the jacket do not compliment each other, I wasnt worried cuz old people don't care. The Epicopaleans ( I was raised Episcopal) are leaving the church all bundled up and umbrellaed against the cold and wet. I already feel out of place. The children are getting soaked and are shivering.

We walk to the door the boasts a sign "Help Feed the Hungry" and step inside. The first thing I notice is the reek of stale cigarette smoke. Then I notice the layers and layers of clothes each person is wearing, then I notice they are all men. There is not another child anywhere. As we walk down the line past around 200 people to find the end, I am wonering what my children are thinking?? What am I thinking?? My aunt is not able to be aware of social situations that might make her uncomfortable. I am not about to cancel and walk out. My aunt invited us and the kids and I really are hungry!

We sit at a table and wait for all the others to file through the line to get their food. The volunteers are constantly bringing the kids water, juice and milk. They are very, very kind but you can see in their eyes they feel sorry for us. Do I tell them I have an apartment? I am not homeless, just poor and yes, struggling. The words do not come. Am I now ashamed that I do have a place to live? The children and I get in line, the volunteers heap food on the childrens plates (it was really very good!) and then come around with pie. My little six year old shyly asks for more milk please. The gentleman replies they are out. A few minutes later, he hurries back and fills her glass to the rim with cold, sweet milk that he went to great lengths to find for this little girl. She is happy and drinks the whole glass in front of him. (Her third!) He is happy, too.

Their clothes and hair are dry, their bellies are full and their lips have returned to a rosy red from deep purple. As we are leaving some of the volunteers stop us. They want to send us home with boxes of left overs. They bring us meal tickets for a place downtown and shove them in my hand. "One free hot meal a day". They bring bottles of apple juice to take home. Then we are out in the rain and cold again walking my aunt home. We are stopped waiting for the cross walk, and a kind man in a very nice suite turns to my shivering six year old and asks, "Honey, are you ok?" Like she is being kidnapped or something. She gives a small nod of the head up and down. I think to myself, "She could have been more convincing".

Is alcohol a "truth serum" or do we just get stupid?

We laugh, we cry, we puke our guts out. All of a sudden people we just met are our "best friend in the whole world".

The first thing I do

The first thing I do, or stop doing, when I get my tax return is to stop cooking for a while. It isn't the cooking I dislike so much as it is all the distractions while I am trying to prepare a meal for those ungrateful, I mean my children. I love cooking actually and I pride myself on the fact that I make everything from scratch! The old fashioned way. It is very good. Now that I am not working I make a hot breakfast every day for my kids. My son will eat four pancakes, scrambled eggs and then have a bowl of cereal. Then I make two batches of muffins to take with them and for after school snack. My son is growing like a bad weed. One of his cousins is 6'7" and my son is trying to be as tall as him. At the rate he is growing, he might make it. He asked my the other day, "Is God as big as Bryson?"

I am not as "with it" as I would like to be

In some ways, I am proud of the fact that I am stuck in the 80's. Life was good then. My parents paid the bills and I still got to stay out till midnight. Life really was better then.

what I am really needing here is a person that can guide me into some technological advances that I need to make. Do you know what comes up when you type in a search "cd burner"? You get "we did not find that exact term, but we think this is what you might want", and I got blank cd's for sale.

I need to take music off of Kazaa and put it on cd's that I can play at home or in my car (when I actually do get one for my car) so I can get Kazaa off my computer and hopefully it will run better.

I do not have the first clue of how to pick a cd burner. Do I really need an mp3, too? I am afraid I will get ripped off. I think I really just need a new computer, but I already downloaded all that free music and screwed up this computer. I do not want a new computer until after I get the free music.

See? The eighties were so much better! Just put on an album. Of which, by the way, I still have all of those!

kids say the darndest things

My twins recently turned six. Gone soon are they days when their older sisters and I could spell and have a few secrets or discuss how to manipulate them.

The other day the kids were fighting. One of our rules is no name calling. I tell them, "I did not put the name Stupid on your brothers birth certificate". So the ten year old screams at her brother, "You are so S-T-U-P-I-E-D!"

My dad said once that siblings keep each other in their place, I believe it is true.

Mawgawrita

Mawgawrita

The best part of having kids, is you get to read the best books and watch the best movies!! I have the scripts to all the Disney movies memorized! How many people can say that??