is it possible?

I really, really just want to live in a kinder and gentler world.

The holiest of all holidays are those
Kept by ourselves in silence and apart;
The secret anniversaries of the heart.
- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow



The hot sun shone through the windshield, partially blinding me, but not enough that I couldn’t catch a glimpse of the sign that read, “BCTI Business Computer Training Institute”.
May 7 the first day I ever saw him. August 20 the following year our first date.
(Boring so far, I am such a boring writer)
Having separated from my husband, the four children staying with me, and working two jobs, in a bakery during the day and tending bar at night has not prepared me for a 9-5 job in an office or using a computer. I had read the want ads and I knew what employers wanted, computer skills. None of which I had.
Seeing this sign, This was fate for sure, I had never drove this way, couldn’t even remember at the moment where I was going or what I was going there for. I had to get inside this school. Little did I know the way I looked and felt about the world was going to change for the rest of my life. Or at least 5 years as of the date I began this writing.
Some young girl who I never saw again, was telling me all the wonderful skills I can learn at this school. I had to prepare for a job I could work during the weekday since the evening and weekend shifts at the bakery and the bar not only had me working 70 hours a week, but it was impossible to find day care . She proceeded to guide me down the hall to look at all the classrooms. One in particular caught my eye. Keyboarding. It wasn’t just the shiny new computers that caught my eye, oh no! It was the tall dark handsome man walking towards me with a great big glad to see you smile and the wide eye grin that says he’d like to get to know me better. I was wearing work out clothes. Dark blue pants with a white stripe down the side and a jacket to match. Not ready to impress Mr. Right, but it apparently did the job. Christopher Jennings Butler shook me out of my dreamy state of fantasy and was wondering if I had any questions about the school or about his class. “How do you teach here”, I asked, “Hands on training”, he replied with a sly smile. I was probably the only one to notice the twinkle in his eye or to notice the cute way he stepped from side to side in nervousness. Every time I looked at him from then on it seemed he wore his heart on his sleeve and I was always surprised that the whole world couldn’t see the fireworks and electricity and excitement between us.
I signed up that day and began an agonizingly wonderful eight month long, five day a week observation of the man I was to love from that moment on. It would be years before we dated or spoke of love but it was always there between us. At least for me it was. I was so enamored of him and surely made a fool of myself in more ways than one. But I adored him. Loved looking at him, listening to his voice, thinking about him. Fantasies of him became more interesting than dating real men.
The rule was, instructors couldn’t socialize with students. Well I knew we were much more than that from the beginning, but I could never get him to see my side of things, no matter how hard I tried! It was fate, yes, at this moment in time we were not going to be anything more, but this was a gift in and of itself. It gave me the time to really watch and listen to him. See what made him tick. Where he was coming from and where he was going. What mattered to him, what bothered him. He was a person of character, morals, love. I could see he was good people. I had made bad choices in my former relationships and although this would never turn into a real relationship, the love and affection was there. We had to protect ourselves from pain and for both of us that was the most important. I would never, ever marry again.
I sent him letters, lyrics to songs, poems, flowers, presents, and chocolates but nothing I did worked, he even asked me to stop! But I knew from the way he acted and the things he said that he was definitely interested in me, too. It was just a matter of time.
Now Chris Butler has the zodiac sign of Cancer the crab. That means he is shy, he skirts around things, moving side to side like the crab. Never straight forward. I am a Scorpio which means I don’t like to be told no. We are both very stubborn and still haven’t determined who is more so. He is afraid to love and so am I. We have four ex'es and six children between us. Lots of good reasons not to get involved with each other.
But every time we are in the same room our eyes meet. We are totally aware of what the other is doing, saying - how they are moving, breathing. When we are not in the same room, there is a force that drives us to search for each other and stay in their presence. There is no better place on earth. To see him, to hear him, to smell him and oh holy Mother of God, to actually get to touch him! Hallelujah! It still turns my insides out, makes me breathe fast, I get warm all over. The most amazing part to me is that from the very first time I ever saw him, the rest of the world disappears when he is anywhere near me. His body is magnified in my presence, it takes up all space and time. I don’t hear or see anything else except him. Everything else disappears, ceases to exist when my lover is near. I smile thinking about him now, even though I haven’t seen him in a long time. It is sad to be lonely at times. But I am just so dang busy with all the kids and a full time job and a huge commute, that there just isn’t a lot of time for anything or anyone else.
Yes, there are definitely times when I am sad to not see him for a while, and I will cry. It is so sad that two such wonderful people as us had to go through such miserable relationships before we met that have ruined us for each other. But we know better. Those relationships ended for pretty good reasons. Most of them probably never should have even started. We would probably not even be together now, if we had gotten together before. We stay away from each other mostly. Don’t call write or see each other much. It stays nice that way. We are happy to see each other. Nobody is obliged to return phone calls, plan ahead, or even consider the other person at all. We celebrate all holidays and birthdays apart. There are no events whatsoever that we partake in together. Except we went to a baseball game once. We do not exchange gifts or recipes. We do not know each others family’s or friends. We both like beer that is about it. Oh, and gin and tonic.
There was going to be some romance in here somewhere, but see, I seemed to have forgotten it. We went from exciting romance to really blatantly shallow before the end of page 3.