can i cuss on here?

goddamnit to fucking hell i have never been so mad. (at myself)

Just three short weeks ago i threw away an entire box that was full of love letters, cards, pictures, poems, gifts and memorbilia from my very first love. I threw away the script from the play we were in together - that is how we first met. he was the only man, in my whole freaking miserable life, that ever made me feel loved. now it turns out that my very first love led a crazy fantastic life and is famous! and i probably could have sold all of that stuff and made some money. and money is what i need, baby. Cash flow, that is all I care about.

here is the link that explains it a little of it, i just don't have the energy right now. http://www.amazon.com/Race-Against-Evil-Criminals-Real-life/dp/0882822314/ref=sr_1_1/104-8909895-3902343?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1184952094&sr=8-1
that is the link to his book on amazon.com
there is a lot more and i will put the links i have found so far on here.

I have looked for him - on and off - for years. We never forget our first love, right? And wonder where they are, what they are doing. And it was an epic love. The first, the deepest, the longest lasting. Through different states, different colleges, different religions, different parts of the worlds, marriages and children-and death. I wouldn't be with him now of course, but a part of us always wonders...where are they now? what are they doing? are they ok? Love is love, thru time, space, distance, dreams. I saw you again, I walked where we first walked...I have memorized nearly all the hundreds of poems he wrote me. (if he wrote them at all, it makes a person question stuff) The good news is that it doesnt really matter now, but it sure is interesting!!

he is actually a fake and an utter liar, according to what I just now found out, and he has been arrested and may still be in prison, i don't know. but it is all very fascinating and i was his love as all this was going on.
since 1980.
for 27 years i have beebn moving this box of love letters, poems, etc everywhere I go. Just like I move all my babies first pictures, report cards, etc.

AND THEN A FEW WEEKS AGO AS I WAS PACKING TO MOVE, I DECIDED IT WAS FINALLY TIME TO GET RID OF EVERYTHING HE HAD GIVEN ME. (Except for one book of poetry he gave me and a small box of letters, poems, etc. ) They were serving no purpose, hadn't served a purpose for decades, and i was really tired of packing all these boxes of stuff. I mean I really cleaned out my closets of clothes, got rid of I don't know how many boxes and bags of books, etc.

i just have to get this posted and will add more as i have time. un-effing-believable. My mind is spinning.