The new guy at work earned all his points back.
I asked him if he wanted to buy some girlscout cookies, and he did. And then he went to the other offices to get them to buy some, too. He is so cute. Really tall, brown hair, hazel eyes, really BIG hands and feet. I don't care what anyone else says, and I am too old to be polite about it, but size REALLY does matter!! :)
Monday, February 20, 2006
Thursday, January 05, 2006
I am a freak, no matter what you say
This is so weird
I just re-read my little diary book, over a year after I had written in it. And to be honest my feelings haven’t changed.
This is unfortunate.
This is crazy.
I haven’t spoken to that man in over 6 months, longer maybe.
I wrote in my journal how he had had me over to his place and told me “this is the last time”. How I left before anything intimate happened. How I cried and cried on the way home. “How could he do this to me?” I screamed in wretched pan. Tears streaming down my face.
But now, time has gone on. The sun managed to keep rising every day. I remembered to breathe.
And I am shocked to find, even a year, two years later, three years that I still feel the same.
Once in a while.
I think about him often
I dream of him at night
I ache for him
At times
The same old songs make me feel the same old way.
It hurts.
The kids have grown and flourished.
My job is going awesome!
The new apartment is nice. Very plain – no frills. Almost affordable. Very close to work. I was driving an hour every morning and every night. Paying $2.25 to wash and dry one load of laundry-not to mention the hauling of all that laundry. Gas was up to unbelievable heights! $2.25 a gallon or more I think it reached.
There are some nice men at work. They are so nice to me. One I like, I can tell he likes me. But he is engaged. He seems to be having doubts about getting married. He is very cute and smart. He re minds me of my uncle.
And this new guy. A real fox and so very very nice and professional.
I don’t think I have prayed enough for him to be out of my heart.
I don’t think I have prayed enough for someone new.
But #$% is so nice. And so cute. And he lives so close. And he is so engaged.
Maybe.
#$%^&
He has the best kisses. And best other stuff!!
Damnit!
I want out of this cycle.
I think of you so often
You keep dropping by my mind
at the strangest times
and in the strangest places
how nice it is
to be constantly reminded of you.
Do you think of me
Like I think of you?
Do I burn inside of you
Like you burn inside of me?
I can see the tilt of your head when you listen
And the smile in your eyes when we talk
The colors of your hair
I can feel the warmth of your hand on mine
The heat that surges through my veins when you look at me
Stand close to me
When will this sweet tender pain STOP?
Will the longing ever end?
I have prayed
Begged
Cried
For mercy.
Do I do this to myself? Have you cast a spell on me?
It’s the curl of your hair and my cheek against yours, your neck that cries out to my lips. My hand in yours, your breath in my ear
So warm
So perfect
Its when nothing else matters
How everything disappears when you walk into a room
Every time it happens that way
The very first time I saw your handsome face
And every time since. I remember exactly the very first time I ever saw you.
I remember the very last time.
And all the times in between.
How mad you got when I drew a heart around our initials on your windshield.
The many beers I’d drank that night that made me think it was cute.
You never wrote
called
sent flowers
Or ever came to see me.
I have guys that call me constantly that I don't really care about and I treat them the sameway. i am rude, i ignore them. i stand them up on dates and don't apologize. I just don't really care. Like this guy and me. he just wasn't that into me.
I just re-read my little diary book, over a year after I had written in it. And to be honest my feelings haven’t changed.
This is unfortunate.
This is crazy.
I haven’t spoken to that man in over 6 months, longer maybe.
I wrote in my journal how he had had me over to his place and told me “this is the last time”. How I left before anything intimate happened. How I cried and cried on the way home. “How could he do this to me?” I screamed in wretched pan. Tears streaming down my face.
But now, time has gone on. The sun managed to keep rising every day. I remembered to breathe.
And I am shocked to find, even a year, two years later, three years that I still feel the same.
Once in a while.
I think about him often
I dream of him at night
I ache for him
At times
The same old songs make me feel the same old way.
It hurts.
The kids have grown and flourished.
My job is going awesome!
The new apartment is nice. Very plain – no frills. Almost affordable. Very close to work. I was driving an hour every morning and every night. Paying $2.25 to wash and dry one load of laundry-not to mention the hauling of all that laundry. Gas was up to unbelievable heights! $2.25 a gallon or more I think it reached.
There are some nice men at work. They are so nice to me. One I like, I can tell he likes me. But he is engaged. He seems to be having doubts about getting married. He is very cute and smart. He re minds me of my uncle.
And this new guy. A real fox and so very very nice and professional.
I don’t think I have prayed enough for him to be out of my heart.
I don’t think I have prayed enough for someone new.
But #$% is so nice. And so cute. And he lives so close. And he is so engaged.
Maybe.
#$%^&
He has the best kisses. And best other stuff!!
Damnit!
I want out of this cycle.
I think of you so often
You keep dropping by my mind
at the strangest times
and in the strangest places
how nice it is
to be constantly reminded of you.
Do you think of me
Like I think of you?
Do I burn inside of you
Like you burn inside of me?
I can see the tilt of your head when you listen
And the smile in your eyes when we talk
The colors of your hair
I can feel the warmth of your hand on mine
The heat that surges through my veins when you look at me
Stand close to me
When will this sweet tender pain STOP?
Will the longing ever end?
I have prayed
Begged
Cried
For mercy.
Do I do this to myself? Have you cast a spell on me?
It’s the curl of your hair and my cheek against yours, your neck that cries out to my lips. My hand in yours, your breath in my ear
So warm
So perfect
Its when nothing else matters
How everything disappears when you walk into a room
Every time it happens that way
The very first time I saw your handsome face
And every time since. I remember exactly the very first time I ever saw you.
I remember the very last time.
And all the times in between.
How mad you got when I drew a heart around our initials on your windshield.
The many beers I’d drank that night that made me think it was cute.
You never wrote
called
sent flowers
Or ever came to see me.
I have guys that call me constantly that I don't really care about and I treat them the sameway. i am rude, i ignore them. i stand them up on dates and don't apologize. I just don't really care. Like this guy and me. he just wasn't that into me.
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
the new kid on the block
There is a new man working here.
He is so cute.
A little younger than me I think, but he sticks to me like glue...
He says he has "housemate" does that mean he is gay? That would explain his kind, funny and attentive behavior - along with his good looks.
He is so cute.
A little younger than me I think, but he sticks to me like glue...
He says he has "housemate" does that mean he is gay? That would explain his kind, funny and attentive behavior - along with his good looks.
Monday, December 19, 2005
For all the good things I ever did
I love my job.
My job loves me.
They want me to help open new offices.
The office in Kona will be first.
Who would say no?
they would pay my rent here, and since I just moved into an awesome new apartment I am stuck with the lease anyway.
They would pay my expenses over there.
Why does this feel weird?
Why wouldn't I go?
Why havn't I bought the plane ticket yet?
Hell Ya I am going!!!!
Oceanside CA is next, then Tampa...then who knows!!! the sky is the limit!!
My job loves me.
They want me to help open new offices.
The office in Kona will be first.
Who would say no?
they would pay my rent here, and since I just moved into an awesome new apartment I am stuck with the lease anyway.
They would pay my expenses over there.
Why does this feel weird?
Why wouldn't I go?
Why havn't I bought the plane ticket yet?
Hell Ya I am going!!!!
Oceanside CA is next, then Tampa...then who knows!!! the sky is the limit!!
Saturday, November 12, 2005
Friday, November 11, 2005
Just take the compliment and shut up!
I love a great compliment!
Our warehouse manager just told me I look smashing, or was it sensational?? It was an "S" word and probably the nicest thing anyone has said to me, at least in a very long time. And today is casual Friday, too. But he is like SO married. He is always telling me that he is "available" like he is so horny. He looks freakin' hot, like a man that loves a woman's body, really, and not just for his own pleasure, like he could drive her insane for hours and totally get off on it...oh wait!! there I go again, I have work to do!!!
Our warehouse manager just told me I look smashing, or was it sensational?? It was an "S" word and probably the nicest thing anyone has said to me, at least in a very long time. And today is casual Friday, too. But he is like SO married. He is always telling me that he is "available" like he is so horny. He looks freakin' hot, like a man that loves a woman's body, really, and not just for his own pleasure, like he could drive her insane for hours and totally get off on it...oh wait!! there I go again, I have work to do!!!
Did you make a wish?
Wow!!
I will be 29 for the 11th time tomorrow.
I really hate to admit that I am aging, but I gotta tell ya that staring down the coming years is not nearly as bad as I thought it would be!!
I feel better than I think I ever have in my whole life. I feel wise, and fairly healthy even given the fact that I have put on numerous amounts of fat!! I have had five children, including twins, and even when I was pregnant with the twins I still didn't weigh this much!! It is coming off slowly though. Walking helps a lot.
I finally have a good job that I like.
I think I just feel like I am finally in control of my life. Not such a victim to other peoples freaks of nature. I make my own decisions. I suffer those consequences still, as I am not perfect.
I have more patience than anyone I know. Not that I don't lose my temper and cry and scream and yell.
I guess I just like who I am and what I have accomplished and where I am going.
I am not so lost any more.
Mostly, I thank God for antidepressants and health of myself and those that I love.
I will be 29 for the 11th time tomorrow.
I really hate to admit that I am aging, but I gotta tell ya that staring down the coming years is not nearly as bad as I thought it would be!!
I feel better than I think I ever have in my whole life. I feel wise, and fairly healthy even given the fact that I have put on numerous amounts of fat!! I have had five children, including twins, and even when I was pregnant with the twins I still didn't weigh this much!! It is coming off slowly though. Walking helps a lot.
I finally have a good job that I like.
I think I just feel like I am finally in control of my life. Not such a victim to other peoples freaks of nature. I make my own decisions. I suffer those consequences still, as I am not perfect.
I have more patience than anyone I know. Not that I don't lose my temper and cry and scream and yell.
I guess I just like who I am and what I have accomplished and where I am going.
I am not so lost any more.
Mostly, I thank God for antidepressants and health of myself and those that I love.
Thursday, November 10, 2005
Three is not a crowd!
A man that will do all the cooking, including the grocery shopping!
A man that will do all the cleaning, including all the laundry!
A man with an enormous...er, um, hands...and soft brown hair, eyes that I could drown in...oh!I do get carried away....he makes mad passionate love to me three times a day and fulfills all my fantasies.
I must make sure these three men never, ever meet...
A man that will do all the cleaning, including all the laundry!
A man with an enormous...er, um, hands...and soft brown hair, eyes that I could drown in...oh!I do get carried away....he makes mad passionate love to me three times a day and fulfills all my fantasies.
I must make sure these three men never, ever meet...
Wednesday, November 02, 2005
"Do you know why I pulled you over, Ma'm?"
I hate being called "Ma'm". The handsome young officer with the gold wedding band wanted to know, "Do you know why I pulled you over, Ma'm?"
Let's go back 12-14 months...
My head lights are out on my car. My running lights work, and the brights work but only when I hold the switch on the turn signal pulled towards me, which makes it very hard to put on my make-up and talk on my cell phone, let alone drink my coffee on the way to work.
So I totally quite driving at night; for the most part. Especially after I got a ticket last sprint for not having my 11 year old in a seat belt and that ticket was for about $150. Now that ticket I did not pay. I tried twice to attend the seatbelt diversion class but got the wrong building on the wrong night both times. So my court date came and went and I still didn't have the money to actually pay the ticket so my license was suspended. Along the line some where my insurance also expired and who has the money for that when there are so many mouths to feed and you can barely pay the rent?!
Last year for Christmas my mother gave me a new switch to fix the headlights cuz some freakin' mechanic (me and mechanics are a whole different story and it makes me tear up at how much money they have stolen from me in the name of new brakes and various other repairs they insist I need and how can I say no when I drive with kids in the car??) so this mechanic said it was a switch, well it wasn't so almost a year later I have almost never driven at night. See without a license or insurance I dont want to get pulled over!! I drive to work and I drive home.
So this kid from work says he will fix my headlights for free for me. He's going to hard connect it or something and just put in a toggle switch to run the headlights. I am trhilled!! So, today, we trade cars. I am driving his sweet little Acura with the jammin' stereo and the skull head stick shift and a V-6 with 2400 valves or something. I am at the corner to my apt. The light is green. I turn on my turn signal, it is dark, but his car has headlights that work!! I see a young man crossing against the light so I safely wait till he is half way across the street and finish my turn.
RED AND BLUE FLASHING IN MY REAR VIEW MIRROR.
There is a new law I recently read about that drivers now are supposed to wait till the pedestrain is completely all the way across the street to finish their turn.
fuck.
one year that i have outrun the law. till tonight.
i dig and dig through this boys car and can't find the proof of insurance.
the officer is not impressed with the skull head stick shift.
the computers are jammed and he can't verify my license. So he asks me if it is current.
I burst into tears, cuz i know that it's not and that i can't tell a lie and the last 38 years of heart ache and fighting every single day to not just jump off a bridge wells to the surface.
he is so cute, too. i mean really hot, tall, brown hair, large hands...
So now on top of all my other bills that I can't pay, I get ticket for over $1600. But he says he really cut me break. Thanks baby.
Let's go back 12-14 months...
My head lights are out on my car. My running lights work, and the brights work but only when I hold the switch on the turn signal pulled towards me, which makes it very hard to put on my make-up and talk on my cell phone, let alone drink my coffee on the way to work.
So I totally quite driving at night; for the most part. Especially after I got a ticket last sprint for not having my 11 year old in a seat belt and that ticket was for about $150. Now that ticket I did not pay. I tried twice to attend the seatbelt diversion class but got the wrong building on the wrong night both times. So my court date came and went and I still didn't have the money to actually pay the ticket so my license was suspended. Along the line some where my insurance also expired and who has the money for that when there are so many mouths to feed and you can barely pay the rent?!
Last year for Christmas my mother gave me a new switch to fix the headlights cuz some freakin' mechanic (me and mechanics are a whole different story and it makes me tear up at how much money they have stolen from me in the name of new brakes and various other repairs they insist I need and how can I say no when I drive with kids in the car??) so this mechanic said it was a switch, well it wasn't so almost a year later I have almost never driven at night. See without a license or insurance I dont want to get pulled over!! I drive to work and I drive home.
So this kid from work says he will fix my headlights for free for me. He's going to hard connect it or something and just put in a toggle switch to run the headlights. I am trhilled!! So, today, we trade cars. I am driving his sweet little Acura with the jammin' stereo and the skull head stick shift and a V-6 with 2400 valves or something. I am at the corner to my apt. The light is green. I turn on my turn signal, it is dark, but his car has headlights that work!! I see a young man crossing against the light so I safely wait till he is half way across the street and finish my turn.
RED AND BLUE FLASHING IN MY REAR VIEW MIRROR.
There is a new law I recently read about that drivers now are supposed to wait till the pedestrain is completely all the way across the street to finish their turn.
fuck.
one year that i have outrun the law. till tonight.
i dig and dig through this boys car and can't find the proof of insurance.
the officer is not impressed with the skull head stick shift.
the computers are jammed and he can't verify my license. So he asks me if it is current.
I burst into tears, cuz i know that it's not and that i can't tell a lie and the last 38 years of heart ache and fighting every single day to not just jump off a bridge wells to the surface.
he is so cute, too. i mean really hot, tall, brown hair, large hands...
So now on top of all my other bills that I can't pay, I get ticket for over $1600. But he says he really cut me break. Thanks baby.
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
Sunday, October 09, 2005
The best times ever
My son really loves me. He is six years old. I came home from work the other night and he runs up to me and says so sweetly, "come here my mama and give me a great big hug!"
Then Saturday we hit the Dollar Tree Store and for just $2 you can get 106 little plastic soldiers (2 bags, one just didn't seem like enough), cowboys and Indians. We built forts out of the hamster hut and tee-pees out of crinkled up paper bags (to look like leather ya know) and strategically placed our men around the kitchen. (the only place we really have to play). I was only slightly taken aback this morning when I went to pour my first cup of coffee and there was a red plastic Indian pointing his arrow straight at my face!
We also bought some scary masks and they never, ever seem to get tired of, or un-surprised, at scaring each other!! They can ring the doorbells and sneak around corners jumping out hollering at each other and jump in fear and then laugh till they pee their pants, for what seems like hours!
We bought some spider web stuff and a bag of bugs, snakes, spiders & skeletons and hung those all up by the front door. Ours looks better than anyone elses!
All in a days work I guess.
Then Saturday we hit the Dollar Tree Store and for just $2 you can get 106 little plastic soldiers (2 bags, one just didn't seem like enough), cowboys and Indians. We built forts out of the hamster hut and tee-pees out of crinkled up paper bags (to look like leather ya know) and strategically placed our men around the kitchen. (the only place we really have to play). I was only slightly taken aback this morning when I went to pour my first cup of coffee and there was a red plastic Indian pointing his arrow straight at my face!
We also bought some scary masks and they never, ever seem to get tired of, or un-surprised, at scaring each other!! They can ring the doorbells and sneak around corners jumping out hollering at each other and jump in fear and then laugh till they pee their pants, for what seems like hours!
We bought some spider web stuff and a bag of bugs, snakes, spiders & skeletons and hung those all up by the front door. Ours looks better than anyone elses!
All in a days work I guess.
Monday, October 03, 2005
A few things I have figured out
If I scrub the tub, and put down my expensive, thick, white, chenille bath mat - the children will wash the black long-haired Australian Shepherd.
Saturday, October 01, 2005
Men are so easy to get over
Dropped my barely running car off and the repair shop this morning then walked to the beauty parlor. There is nothing like a pedicure, manicure and a massage from Sven to make my world a great place to live in again!!
It was over a year ago. We only "dated" a week. Sex with an ex for 11 months. Can't beat it. No strings.
If I could just get Sven to leave his boyfriend and come away with me!!Hell, on second thought I will take them both! I have never been a one man woman anyway!
It was over a year ago. We only "dated" a week. Sex with an ex for 11 months. Can't beat it. No strings.
If I could just get Sven to leave his boyfriend and come away with me!!Hell, on second thought I will take them both! I have never been a one man woman anyway!
Friday, September 30, 2005
how can one person be so mean to another?
the guy i liked for so long finally had the guts to tell me i was a worthless piece of shit and he didn't give a damn about me.
i knew that.
I have never been rejected so many times, in so many ways...never. ever. it's weird.
I hate men. they blame women, but it is obviously their fault.
all the time. it is their fault.
the men at work are all married but they have no problem saying they would have an affair with me. really. they wanna fuck me. they say so. they say they are married. but it never stopped them before. Its not like i havn't had married men before.
i wonder how much money that is worth. I'd like a nice new apartment and a better car. it's not like i havn't had sex for money before either.
the boss does everything he can to get me alone. I would think he was too busy running the fucking company. he wants me in his office, he wants me in his car. (red corvette)
it would be nice, if just for once, i actually mattered to someone. It is obvious I never will matter to anyone.
not in this life time.
it's too fucking painful.
I think I am better than that, but nobody else seems to.
i knew that.
I have never been rejected so many times, in so many ways...never. ever. it's weird.
I hate men. they blame women, but it is obviously their fault.
all the time. it is their fault.
the men at work are all married but they have no problem saying they would have an affair with me. really. they wanna fuck me. they say so. they say they are married. but it never stopped them before. Its not like i havn't had married men before.
i wonder how much money that is worth. I'd like a nice new apartment and a better car. it's not like i havn't had sex for money before either.
the boss does everything he can to get me alone. I would think he was too busy running the fucking company. he wants me in his office, he wants me in his car. (red corvette)
it would be nice, if just for once, i actually mattered to someone. It is obvious I never will matter to anyone.
not in this life time.
it's too fucking painful.
I think I am better than that, but nobody else seems to.
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
Positive attitude
My little six year old daughter has the most positive attitude of anyone I ever met. The little darling has a wart on the bottom of her foot. A plantar wart, right? She calls it her flower wart.
Monday, September 26, 2005
Sunday, September 18, 2005
Squirrels and Kitties and Sprinklers, Oh My!
I believe everyone in our life is a gift to teach us something.
Most of it I havn't figured out yet.
I do know now that chasing squirrels and kitties and running through sprinklers at 5:45 am everymorning really can be a lot of fun!!
Thanks Katie Dog.
Most of it I havn't figured out yet.
I do know now that chasing squirrels and kitties and running through sprinklers at 5:45 am everymorning really can be a lot of fun!!
Thanks Katie Dog.
Thursday, September 08, 2005
School daze
Everyone is off to a great start at school!
Well, except for Brandon. He decided the first day that he was going to quite.
"It takes ALL day, Mommy!"
He is used to kindergarten and their half days and of course playing all day during the summer. Boys just have too many other important things to do like playing astronauts and building roads in the dirt for their trucks.
Then he said, "the teacher said it was a game, but I KNOW it was math!"
Too funny.
He will be fine, not to worry.
Brandy is just too cute with her one front tooth missing and her little blonde pigtails bouncing around. The first one up, she is anxious to visit with her new friends. I mean, anxious to learn!
Lindsey, very shy, is making new friends at her new middle school. There are a couple of girls from her last school so that helps. And thank God!! Boys are still gross.
Haley is signing up for all the sports she can!! She is a real go getter and I know her grades will be good again this year.
We love you all!
Laura and kids
PS I have been offered a permanent position at the job I am currently temping at. It is a great company and I can go into a lot of different areas. I really just want to stay somewhere and retire! retiring is 30 years away, but looking for work sucks!
here is the website:
www.aluminumrailing.com
Click here to donate to the Hurricane Katrina relief effort.
Well, except for Brandon. He decided the first day that he was going to quite.
"It takes ALL day, Mommy!"
He is used to kindergarten and their half days and of course playing all day during the summer. Boys just have too many other important things to do like playing astronauts and building roads in the dirt for their trucks.
Then he said, "the teacher said it was a game, but I KNOW it was math!"
Too funny.
He will be fine, not to worry.
Brandy is just too cute with her one front tooth missing and her little blonde pigtails bouncing around. The first one up, she is anxious to visit with her new friends. I mean, anxious to learn!
Lindsey, very shy, is making new friends at her new middle school. There are a couple of girls from her last school so that helps. And thank God!! Boys are still gross.
Haley is signing up for all the sports she can!! She is a real go getter and I know her grades will be good again this year.
We love you all!
Laura and kids
PS I have been offered a permanent position at the job I am currently temping at. It is a great company and I can go into a lot of different areas. I really just want to stay somewhere and retire! retiring is 30 years away, but looking for work sucks!
here is the website:
www.aluminumrailing.com
Click here to donate to the Hurricane Katrina relief effort.
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